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The Importance of Gratitude

The Importance Gratitude

 

I was on a flight last week heading out to California for what I expected to be a very transformational conference, and it was.  I was excited to be going in the first place but returned with even more gratitude.  The conference was called – The Most Awesome Conference, and indeed it was.  It was put on by a group of savvy therapists, consultants and business strategists.  This conference was unique, not only did we get to hear presentations on important strategies of running a business but we got to participate in creating new ways to market, promote and manage our business.  The amount of connection and support I felt from this weekend conference was intense. I was reminded of the importance of gratitude.  It is with this gratitude that I continue to be propelled forward.

I would like to give thanks to the following people for putting together such a great weekend full of learning, laughter and action! A special thanks to – Joe Sanok of Practice of the Practice, Kelly & Miranda of Zynnyme, Dr. Julie Hanks, Jo Muirhead, Mari Lee of Growth Counseling, Ernesto  Segismundo of Fylmit.com, and all the wonderful attendees of The Most Awesome Conference!

I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to learn from them and to have had the chance to share ideas and explore how to build the field of counseling, coaching and consulting.

I reference this story for a few reasons –

  • It is important to me to be thankful.
  • Gratitude can improve our lives socially, psychologically, and even physically.
  • Gratitude impacts others, thus impacting the world!

Three reasons why expressing gratitude may be beneficial to you

  1. According to Robert Emmons, a leading researcher on gratitude, there are a number of benefits from offering regular gratitude including – stronger immune system, higher levels of positive emotions, more forgiving attitude and less feelings of isolation.
  2. Gratitude can have an impact on your relationships. According to John Gottman, a leading expert in marital relationships, it is very important for a couple to maintain a ratio of more positive interactions than negative, for the marriage to be successful.
  3. Gratitude has an impact on others around you. If you want to make a difference in how you interact with others, consider adding an element of gratitude. This shift in interaction style may have a great impact on your relationships and communication.  Others are more likely to respond to gratitude than discontent.

When I think of the times in my life that have been particularly challenging, one of the things that brings me back from feeling like nothing is working, is to be thankful for all that I have.   The truth is that when we cut out all the things we have from the things we need, most of us are richer than we think.

So the question at times may be – “What am I grateful for?”  This may be an easier or harder question to answer, depending on the day. However, just like everything, if you practice it becomes easier.  So, please see the following challenge –

Challenge of the Week!

  • Think of someone or something you are grateful for and why.
  • Express this gratitude by writing a small thank you message and tagging them via social media.
  • Share this post.
  • Move through the day with ease.

Thankfully,

Michael

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Letting Go of Fear

Letting Go of Fear

Letting Go of Fear

The question of “how to let go of fear” often comes up with the clients I work with, as well as in my own life of course.  I think this is a complicated issue. There are many kinds of fears that exist in our lives, each one presenting specific challenges.  In starting this new business I find myself wrestling with lots of professional fears.  Questions like – Am I qualified for this?  What can I charge?  Can I afford to take this professional risk?

These questions are all based on fear of failure or incompetence.  The truth is that I have many years of educational and professional experience to draw from and that I am definitely qualified for what I am doing.  So why is there still fear?

In my work with individuals regarding professional fears, what often comes up is the fear of pursuing what is most meaningful to them.  This fear is often based in belief that says “there are not jobs available,” “the market is too saturated,” “I don’t have the credentials,” or many other beliefs. While some of these fears are more concretely rooted in actual barriers, I believe that letting go of the limiting belief is the first fear to address.

Letting go of limiting beliefs is liberating

Consider the following ideas –

  • There isn’t enough (work, money, opportunity etc.)
  • There is only scarcity
  • All others in my field are competitors

What if we shift our perspective to thoughts like –

  • There is more room for my service or business
  • Other people in my field can be my collaborators
  • There is an abundance of work available

This shift in perspective can of course be applied to other kinds of fears as well, not just professional.  Changing a belief or perspective may create some paths to progress.  Fear inhibits progress in a number of ways –

  • Inhibiting creativity
  • Reducing insight and understanding of alternative perspectives
  • Acts against motivation for action

How would this shift in perspective open up new opportunities for you?

What I have found in my own life, as well as what works for my client’s, is taking small steps in the direction of a change I want to pursue is the best course of action.  It’s easy to say – “you just have to decide to let go of your fear” but this is a bit vague.  I think that creating some kind of regular, consistent practice that promotes empowerment can help to reduce fear, as long as it is practiced regularly.

For example, if your practice is to attend networking events in an effort to improve your business and challenge your introversion, then this should be practiced weekly in short periods rather than attending long events but inconsistently.

What I have found in my own life as well as those I’ve worked with is that overcoming any professional fear only opens up new opportunity and possibility.   Letting go of fear is empowering.  Empowerment is often accompanied by change.  If you are choosing to face a fear, be prepared, things may not be the same afterwards.  For example, addressing a professional fear may result in the following –

  • New awareness about a direction to take
  • Career change
  • Promotion
  • Retirement
  • Going back to school
  • Increased confidence

Three Tips for Addressing Fear –

  1. Take time to understand what you really want.  What is the fear really based on?
  2. Taking the time to figure out where the fear comes from and what it is connected to may open up new awareness about a direction to take.  Once you understand what you truly want, then start taking small steps in that direction. Do the research to determine some of the steps that you need to take to set you on the path that you want. If you are unsure, consider working with a coach or mentor.
  3. Set small achievable goals that can be built upon. Put into place a daily routine that works towards overcoming the fear.   Prove to yourself that your fear can be conquered, and then your belief in what is possible will change.

Best,

Michael

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How to Reduce the Stigma of Therapy

 

How to Reduce the Stigma of Therapy

During the last 100 years or so there has been an interesting evolution regarding the helping professions.  The stigma around seeking help for guidance is a somewhat unusual cultural phenomenon.  In most cultures, seeking guidance is a relatively accepted and supported endeavor and has been for many years.   For a more detailed exploration of stigma as it relates both to mental health as well as stigma towards seeking professional help, see this article on Help Seeking from the British Psychological Society. In this article there are many examples of sited research, as well as interventions, to help to reduce stigma of seeking help.  Some research suggests that normalizing issues that people are facing may help to reduce stigma for seeking help.  So the purpose of this post is to provide some anecdotal information from my own experience to help normalize seeking help.

Here are some reasons I have seen in my own practice that may impact how seeking help becomes stigmatized, as well as how to reduce the stigma of therapy.

Throwing out the baby with the bathwater –

I have come across many people over the course of the last decade who say that they tried therapy and didn’t like their therapist.  Not having a connection to the therapist is an important factor to consider.  Research shows that the goodness of fit or “therapeutic alliance” (how well you connect with your therapist) is one of the largest predictors for change.  So if we know that the connection experienced between therapist and client is so important, then this should be a focus.  Unfortunately, often time’s people will see a therapist that they don’t connect with, only attend briefly and then assume that therapy is not effective. This may be due to the therapist not checking in with the client or the client not having the understanding of the importance of this dynamic, but it does happen.  If you are looking for ways to explore the “goodness of fit” in more detail, see this article on How to Choose a Therapist.   An important thing to keep in mind when looking at therapy is that therapists are like many other professionals, there are great ones, good ones and ones that may not be the best fit for you.  To offer a comparison – if you hire a plumber and they do a bad job, would the assumption be to discount plumbing altogether or call a new plumber?

Therapy doesn’t work –

Sometimes people go to therapy once or twice or maybe three times and then assume that nothing is happening, so it obviously doesn’t work.  I often have the conversation with clients about how to get the most out of a therapy.  My hope is that these conversations take place in most therapy offices.  The truth is that when you have meetings with a therapist they are typically only one hour.  This also means that whatever is discussed in therapy may take implementation and practice outside of the therapy office.  For change to occur, practice and patience are important.  There may be times where someone continues to attend appointments even though they feel that nothing is changing for them.  Whatever the feeling is, bring it up with your therapist and see what is missing.   Remember, if something is not working, try to identify why, and fix it.

These problems aren’t bad enough –

We all have similar problems, to a certain extent.  We definitely all have things we are stressed about, are scared of, are hopeful for, are insecure about etc.   Therapy does not have to be only for those struggling with something that society deems “serious.”   Fortunately many people see therapy as an opportunity to self actualize, seek understanding of one’s self, process something confusing, determine what is most valuable to them or many other reasons outside of the context of exploring pain, trauma or dysfunction.  Therapy is not for sick people.  Therapy is an open platform to explore whatever you decide is important.  I repeat, whatever YOU decide is important.   People seek guidance and empowerment for a variety of reasons and the depth and importance of those reasons only get to be decided by the individual.   Reducing the stigma of therapy can be accomplished through recognizing a few simple statements:

It’s OK to take a look at who we are.

It’s OK to explore what is working and what isn’t working.

It’s OK to want to make changes to better ourselves.

Best,

Michael

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The 100 Day Intention Experiment – Part 1

 

The 100 Day Intention Experiment

 

About two months ago I was involved in an accident.  Since this accident I’ve had lots of questions, first of which was how did I survive. I had slipped and fallen off of a high waterfall and landed in about 1.5 feet of water, but mostly rock.  When my friends arrived down to where I had fallen, the look on their faces was as if they had seen a ghost.   Thankfully they were able to help me hike out of the woods.  I’m lucky to have such great friends.   The waterfall was 75 feet.  I managed to grab some branches and rocks on the way down so the free fall was only 30 feet or so.  I went over the falls head first, but managed to turn myself around and point my feet down so that I was falling vertically.  I am very thankful for years of martial arts training that taught me to relax and focus during times of stress.  I believe it was this ability to focus, as well as being able to relax and exhale on impact that helped to reduce trauma.   After a series of x-rays it was determined that I didn’t even break anything.  It was a miracle.   I’m still working on rehabbing my ankles and knees, but overall I’m good.

This post is less about that story and more about what this experience pushed me towards.  Like I said, I’ve had lots of thoughts since this accident; gratitude, curiosity, wonder, fear etc.  One thought that has come up regularly is intention.  The experience made me ask a great question – “How intentional are my moments, days, weeks and general direction?”  So I decided to create an intention experiment.

I definitely have lots of good things going on right now and am busy, but wasn’t as intentional as I would like, so I changed.  Today is day 50 of a 100 day experiment I decided to start.  This experiment was inspired by my study of daily practices in graduate school, my martial arts practice and an inspirational story I heard about a man named Hal Elrod.    If you don’t know Hal’s story, you should look into it.  He wrote a book called The Miracle Morning, which is also worth checking out.  The idea is about setting a routine at the first part of the day that then sets the tone for the rest of the day, physically and mentally.   So, why 100 days?  It seemed like a nice round number and also enough time to form a new habit, which is my goal.

Having a daily practice is not something new for me.  However, I haven’t had a regular routine like this that is regimented and covers a few different focal points.  I want to share the routine because I’ve found it to be so helpful.   The order has had some variation but for the most part this is how it goes:

  • I wake up, brush my teeth, splash some water on my face and sometimes put in my contacts.
  • I do 10 minutes of seated meditation. The meditation I do is mostly just focused on relaxation and how I’m breathing.   I do this first because I’ve noticed that I recall my dreams much better, which often times there are some nuggets of inspiration there for me.
  • A short warm up, stretching and moving and then into a Tai Chi form that I have been practicing for the last 7 years or so. I think I’m at the point now finally that I can do this form and feel like a beginner.  There is so much to the art of Tai Chi, but that’s for another post.
  • I then start a Chi Kung which I have also been practicing for some time now. Chi Kung is another kind of meditation.
  • I do about 10-15 minutes of movement that helps to get my blood flowing even more. Usually this consists of martial arts forms/movements/stances, pushups, pull ups, sit ups and some stretching.
  • To wrap it up I journal. The journaling usually has three elements.
    • I write about whatever mood I wake up in or what’s on my mind.
    • I write about my dreams I remember and what kind of meaning I can draw from them.
    • Most importantly, I write about my intention for the day. I find that writing my goals and what I intend to accomplish for the day has been a powerful exercise for me.  Sometimes I write down intentions for longer term goals as they relate to what is happening currently.

Since I started this routine I’ve noticed some really great opportunities develop in my business, I have been feeling better physically and seem to be more productive.  This may just be coincidence, although I don’t believe that.  I do believe that creating clear goals and intentions for our time, creates results.  I have noticed that my time has been spent more focused.  This routine has helped me get clear about the direction of my business as well as directions and goals I am taking on personally.

I really believe having a daily practice has so much to offer.   My story and practice is unique, just like yours.  Starting the day with focus on mental clarity, physical health and intention seems to be a great recipe for success.  It works well for me because I’ve incorporated some practices that I already love.  Combining practices that I really enjoy with ones that are harder to do (especially in the morning) has been a good mix. I look forward to reflecting on this practice after another 50 days.

What is your recipe for success?

Best,

Michael

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The Victim or The Master

 

The Victim or The Master

This idea of victimization and mastery has been on my mind for awhile now and I’ve hesitated to write about it because I don’t want to come off as insensitive.  I was recently at a conference and had some really good conversations about it, so I thought this might be the time to write.  I was also recently robbed so I thought that may be an appropriate story to share too, for the purpose of this post.

What I really want to say is simple – we are not victims, ever.  Now I realize this statement alone is heavy and probably will evoke strong reactions, but I’d like to elaborate.   Of course I recognize that there are horrible types of suffering in the world, pains out of our control and circumstances that we don’t directly ask for.  Just like with every other event in our lives though, there are opportunities.  Even in the worst circumstance there is opportunity for growth, knowledge and development.  If we can recognize this opportunity, then we are never victims.  The world is not happening to us.  Situations may exist, but what I am referring to is our perception, reaction and interpretation of these situations.  What we choose to take away from the situation, and how it shapes who we are, is where our power lies.  We have the choice to be the victim or the master.

We can see examples of victimization vs. mastery in the most horrific of stories and we can see examples of this in our everyday life. For example – The recently made famous story: I Am Mala, tells of a girl with unprecedented resiliency over her situation.  I encourage you to read the story but quickly summarized; this girl comes back to advocate for the rights of her community and her nation even after serious violence towards her.  Even after an attempt on her life she still chooses to see past this and that her cause for bringing education, peace and equality is worth the risk.  This resiliency is founded by perception.  Her perception pushes her through a seemingly horrific situation, and by all accounts it is.  However, her choice of response to her situation makes her the master of it, not the victim.

We see other examples in our every day lives where the immediate reaction may be of victimization.   Examples such as; the person who cuts in front of you in line or cuts you off on the highway, the coworker who expresses anger towards you for seemingly no reason, the family member who avoids your calls, the spouse who doesn’t follow through with an agreement, and the examples go on and on.  Fortunately these are all opportunities to look at the bigger picture and to decide if your perception will be one of victimization or mastery.

The Victim at Work

So as I said, I was recently robbed for the first time in my life.  I’ll admit my reaction in the first couple days was definitely victimization.  And the reality is that I was a “victim of a robbery.”   Possessions were stolen from me, that did happen. But I still have the choice of how I interpret the situation and what kind of identify I take on because of the situation.  The kind of victimization I’m talking about has to do with the response to what happened, not what actually took place.   To hold the identity of a victim for too long is dangerous.  Now I could have certainly wallowed in my own anger, hate, frustration and self pity, but I’m confident this wouldn’t have produced anything for me.   So after about two days, I switched hats.

The Master at Work

Instead of feeling horrible about the situation I started to ask myself questions.  Questions like –

  • What is the lesson I can take from this?

  • What does this teach me about what is valuable to me?

  • How much worse off am I really?

  • How does this offer me an opportunity to see all that I DO have?

  • Most importantly – what kind of perception and identity am I choosing and how is this serving me?

So here is what I came up with:  One of the lessons I took is to be more mindful and observant of my environment.  What I was able to identify about value was helpful too.  The things that were taken from me were important, and even sentimental/irreplaceable….but the truth is that they are just things.  I still have a great place to live, wonderful family and friends in my life, an exciting developing business, I’m in good shape, a good car and the list goes on.  I have everything I need and am safe.   Lastly, looking at how my perception is serving my situation, there is no question of which perception is constructive and which is destructive.  Through choosing to master my situation I am forging ahead, not only letting go of the negativity that surrounds the situation, but pulling the lessons that can be drawn.  There are always lessons.

So next time you are faced with a situation that makes you feel anger, hate, pity, self doubt or anything else that is destructive to your overall development, ask yourself:  “Am I the Victim or the Master?”

Best,

Michael

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How to Talk to Your Partner About Therapy

 

How to Talk to Your Partner About Therapy

How to Talk to Your Partner About Therapy

Having a conversation with your partner about therapy does not have to be a negative experience.  Often times the thought of going to couples counseling can be overwhelming for people.  While certainly there may be things in therapy that are uncomfortable or difficult to talk about, the end result people are looking for is always a positive change.  Keeping the long term goal of therapy in mind may be an important factor when exploring when, or if to seek relationship help.

Here are some other strategies to keep in mind when considering how to talk to your partner about therapy.

Be honest 

This seems obvious, right?  Even though being honest may seem like it should go without saying, sometimes what we don’t say holds just as much information as what we do say.   Being honest with your partner about what your concerns are as well as what your hope is for the future, can be a great place to start.

Therapy is not a last resort 

Viewing therapy as a last resort is a sentiment I’ve heard often…..and even felt in my own life to be honest. However, I think looking at therapy as a last resort option, sets us up for trouble.  Imagine these two statements –

  • “I don’t know what else to do; I guess we’ll have to go to therapy to figure it out.”
  • “We’ve tried some things so far and are still struggling, why don’t we try therapy and if that doesn’t help we’ll figure it out another way.”

Now based on the feelings from these two statements, which one would you say has a better chance of moving towards change?  I hope you said statement number two.  My point is that our intentions that we set prior to entering therapy can have an impact on outcome.

Make it about you 

Remember that your partner will probably not be convinced to go see a therapist if they think that you want to fix them or that it is their issues that need to be addressed.  So instead, make it about you.  Exploring ways you think seeing a therapist may be helpful for you will open up an invitation to your partner, rather than putting them on the defensive.

Make it about the partnership 

I know, I know, I just said something else right? The truth is that you can do both.  It can be helpful to speak about where we are coming from and our own needs rather than exploring how we can change someone else.  In addition, it’s helpful to set the intention that therapy is ultimately about how to make the partnership happier, healthier and more fulfilling.  So make it a collaboration.

To learn more about considerations to make before choosing a therapist, check this post out on “how to choose a therapist.”

 

If you can only remember one thing – remember this:  You are learning to cope with something. Learning to cope with a loss, a disconnect, a sadness, an infidelity or perhaps a list of many other potential struggles.   So, when approaching your partner, this acronym will help – COPE.

Calm

Open

Positive

Earnest

Calm – Approach your partner when you are both calm.  Often times the discussion of possibly engaging in therapy may come up during a fight….this can be a hard time to have this discussion (or sometimes any discussion. Revisiting this when both people are calm and can talk about options with a clear head is very important.

Open – Remaining open to not only what may unfold in therapy, but also how your partner may responds is important.  Remember that initial reactions may be off putting and that giving your partner time to process may be necessary.    On the other hand, not assuming that they will be closed off to therapy is important too.

Positive – In the same vein of not assuming, setting an intention for a positive outcome is important.  As you enter into any discussion with your partner, or anyone really, having a positive sense about it may help to set the tone for the conversation.  I don’t mean to say that things will always be easy or go your way in the conversation, but remaining open to the idea that something positive can come from it regardless, can be an empowering perspective.

Earnest – Offering the most sincere explanation for how you’d like to work on the relationship is important.  Honesty and authenticity is important, but remember, not at the cost of staying calm, open and positive.  Keeping a balance between these ideas can be a helpful strategy.

Ultimately though, no one knows your relationship better than the two of you.  Keep in mind that while you may be seeking some guidance, your own insight is so valuable!   I’ll wrap up with this quote –

“Another reality about relationships is that they are never static. All of us experience changes in relationships but a few stop to analyze why a relationship gets better or worse.” 
― Gary Chapman

Please feel free to reach out with questions.

All the best,

Michael

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Counseling vs Coaching

Coaching vs Counseling - Arc Integrated

Coaching vs Counseling

There are many different resources regarding what the difference and similarities are when looking at counseling vs coaching.  I see them as definitely more connected than separate.  However, when considering which one to move towards I think this is an even easier question.  When looking for a therapist the issue is often related to a pain or a function that needs to be addressed.  When looking for a coach someone may be more interested in developing something new, improving something already in place or advancing in career, health, finance, leadership or relationally.   When looking for more resources about coaching, a great resource is The International Coaching Federation.  For access to more information about therapy, visit Good Therapy.  However, if you are trying to decide what service to go with, counseling or coaching, then see this article on How to Choose a Therapist or Other Helping Professional.

If you decide that coaching is the route to take, then great! Remember there are lots of options within coaching, just like within therapy.  Some types of coaching may include –

Personal Development Coaching –

This may consist of working with individuals to make shifts in their lives that they feel will help them move towards the direction they want.   Personal development coaching can be related to work, relationships, finance or wellness.   This type of coaching may involve exploring strengths and challenge areas in order to build on individual passions, successes and experiences.

Executive Coaching –

Executive coaches may work with leaders within an organization around business strategy or how to most effectively work with employees. Alternatively, executive coaches may also help to offer insight into how the personal dynamic of the individual impacts their business.

Career Coaching –

Just as it sounds, insight around what kind of career to start, move from, end or change.  This can often be a component of other types of coaching or a specialty.

Similar to therapy, coaching involves setting goals and pursuing specific outcomes.  However, unlike therapy, coaching involves forward facing strategy and is not focused on resolving emotional functioning or processing pain for example.

So how does one decide what qualifies a coach within any of the previous categories, or even other coaching categories?    Just like within many of the disciplines of the mental health field, coaching has and is evolving.  At this point, anyone can still call themselves a “coach.”  This is different from stating “Licensed Counselor, Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist or Licensed Social Worker”, where in fact there is a mandatory license to be able to use this language.  Since coaching is relatively new it is only governed by certification.  So while you don’t need a certificate or license to call yourself a coach, you can obtain a certificate in a wide variety of coaching disciplines.  So does this make it less credible?  I don’t think so, necessarily.  While it is not governed with the level of scrutiny as the other mental health professions, this doesn’t mean that there aren’t highly skilled professionals in the coaching field that bring a great wealth of knowledge and experience.  Ultimately I think it comes back to the question of – Do I identify with, trust and feel like I can gain valuable insight from this person?

In my opinion both coaching and counseling are greatly valuable. I think that the approaches you are looking for as well as what you are trying to change are equally important questions to ask if you are considering signing up for therapy or coaching.  Here are some other questions to ask yourself (or the helping professional) when considering which direction to take –

How action oriented do I want this process to be?

How much time do I want to spend processing what is happening or what happened?

Am I in the process of or still struggling with some kind of traumatic experience?

Is this change that I am after more goal oriented or process oriented?

Am I wanting to gain insight into this issue or am I just interested in changing circumstances?

Good luck on the journey and don’t hesitate to reach out with questions.

Best,

Michael

P.S. If you are curious to learn more about personal development, effective workplace culture, dynamic leadership  and a wide variety of other topics, sign up today! www.arcintegrated.com/book.  It’s totally free.

You’ll also receive Chapter One (for FREE) from the upcoming book – CHANGES.  This book explores seven themes of sustainable change so that you can finally achieve the professional and personal goals you have been striving for but keep missing. 

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